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The Hedgehog Song

by Jasper Teagan Thomas

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about

This is the late-night-guitar, T-day-migraine-voice version of The Hedgehog Song.

Note: please do not lick hedgehogs. Or cats.

lyrics

Well, I'm suddenly concerned that there are, in a word, absurdly many
Ways the human race may not find space to be sufficient--
Although on Earth, there's not a care-- oh, nothing's sterile, we're in peril!
We've found a way around the safeguards we built. Now we're deficient
In ways we can recover from the sticks and stones and other forms
Of pain we've found in millennia of searching by and by,
But many are avoidable-- many people never will be
Sickened by their choices if they really, really try.

So why would you ever lick a hedgehog?
Whatever is the point of doing that?
You will get salmonella licking hedgehogs.
At least it's only fur if you just lick your cat.

Well, hedgehogs are the cutest things-- the joy they bring, it pulls at heartstrings,
Somehow, despite all the trouble loving them's been causing--
You see, they keep their owners up all night with their nocturnal romps
And worries about whether their beloved pet is wobbling.
That's never mind morality, ethics, or legality,
For hedgehogs are not tame and in some places can't be owned,
Especially in Europe until British populations go up
Plenty-- oh, I'd take a guess your owning is postponed.

So why would you ever lick a hedgehog?
Whatever is the point of doing that?
You'll endanger populations licking hedgehogs.
At least it's only fur if you just lick your cat.

Well, pop culture seems to think that hedgehogs are some kind of missing link
Between the jocks and nerds we call American school children,
But hedgehogs are not really blue, and I'll tell you-- this much is true--
There's nothing about hedgehog speed that seems all that bewilderin'.
But at least it's me you're listening to. With some luck, oh, I'll spare you
From Pratchett's buggered lyrics and some fourteen verses more,
For if hedgehogs are what we love, then you can guess what I would dream of--
Cuddling them without a single lick forevermore...

So why would you ever lick a hedgehog?
Whatever is the point of doing that?
You'll have spines in your mouth from licking hedgehogs--
And those spines are covered in their spit, don't you doubt it--
At least it's only fur if you just lick your cat.

credits

released March 20, 2020
Copyright 2020, standard filk rules apply (Creative Commons Attribution Share-Alike License)
Vocals: Jasper Teagan Thomas
Guitar: Cinnamon Roll, EKO Ranger 12-string

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Jasper Teagan Thomas

A filker and nerd with too much time to spare, JT takes pride in his work despite the fact that it's all done in his bedroom. A known queer who may be seen cuddling any fluffy animals in the vicinity before apologizing to them for how loud his instruments are. May be followed anywhere he goes by a whole bunch of corvids; don't ask. ... more

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